~convo with tamara and a friend~

JaneD: At the risk of losing major cool points from being so damned naive, would you mind talking with me in IMs about some of that stuff?

tamara: of course not!

tamara: whatcha want to know?

JaneD: Why do the clamping thing, and all the other things you said you have done?

tamara: serving

JaneD: I know that...but why would someone want you to endure that?

tamara: i have endured WAY WAY WAY more than a few clamps... why would he WANT me to? hmmmmmmmm now there's a complex question...

JaneD: That's what I'm not getting about this lifestyle...why would someone want to purposely hurt someone, watch them suffer in pain...

tamara: a) because Masters get off on controlling, as submissives get off on being controlled. and "get off" is really NOT the right word. it is .... a reflection of who and what they are, at least that is how i see it... and things like *pain* and humiliation for some, are ultimate forms of control

tamara: for me hmmmmm i am totally not a painslut, but i need to obey, i need to please my Master. and of course, obviously.. things that are *hard* for you to do sorta mean more when you are doing them only for the pleasure of the one you serve... y'know? i mean having my cunt licked is nice and he does that too, but it isn't really a difficult thing for me? LOL

JaneD: Ok, so when you do things that cause you pain or discomfort, just to make him/her happy, then that is serving?...and your pleasure comes from knowing you have endured someone that no one else would because that person means so much to you?

tamara: and it carries over into other things too, at least i find... i mean for me serving gives me first and foremost *focus* which i would otherwise lack in my life... it gives me discipline which i was also lacking... and enduring things and doing things i NEVER dreamed i could do gives me tons more confidence in lots of other areas of my life

tamara: my pleasure just comes from pleasing, period. and i do that with everyone, you know? i mean even "friends" whom i am obviously not SERVING, all the people i love, it is just a goal of mine constantly to please. that can be troublesome tho, 'cuz you cannot please all the people all the time! serving ONE helps to give that focus.then on the other side of it, you've got people who just purely get off on giving and/or receiving pain... sadists and masochists... i am NOT a masochist. well ok i will say MAYBE on some very mild levels. but i am not really a pure masochist by any means. different aspects of BDSM.

JaneD: Ok, I think I'm understanding more...Some seek a Master/Mistress to be that someone who puts them through rigorous "testing", and upon eduring those tests makes the sub/slave more confident and strong that they have succeeded, and they become attached/care/love the Dominant for helping them?

tamara: hmmmm, sort of for me, and for some that might be right on... i think it is different for just about everyone, altho there are obviously similarties. i just love to please, and when i first started speaking to my former Master about serving it seemed to me like it would be... hmmm *freedom* from worrying about HOW to please, i wouldn't have to figure it out, i'd be TOLD. nor would i have to be embarrassed about things i might do... i would be doing them for him, they would belong to him. and up until the very end i felt that was true *most* of the time... obviously i had some problems with him but i am not going to cuntfuzzle you with that more right now :0

tamara: i didn't do it because i felt like it would do x, y and z for me, when i first started. i just knew that i was fascinated by my first Master, that i adored him and loved him beyond anything i could have imagined, and i NEEDED to please him and i tried to do whatever he told me to do and it brings with it an inherent feeling of freedom... free from "societal" standards, because those standards no longer mattered to me... free from EVERYONE's bullshit, because the ONLY one whose opinion really mattered was HIS. free from indecision and confusion because i was TOLD, and i knew where my focus was. and the same holds true for me now with my current Master... but that was how it first began for me.

JaneD: Wow....you have filled a lot of holes for me in this whole adventure...I can't thank you enough.

tamara: you are very welcome... LOL y'mean you understand? i think i almost confuse myself when i talk about *why* :0

tamara: well listen you are more than welcome to ask me anything, anytime... all i can do is answer from my own personal perspective and what i *observe* of others i see, but i'll try :)

JaneD: You did a wonderful job.

JaneD: Seriously.

tamara: thanks :) i'm glad!

tamara: that's what my site is all about, really :)

JaneD: I know, but I'd rather have a discussion than read and have questions.

tamara: i really need to start scheduled chats on there, that's one of my goals. my schedule's been so crazy i haven't even tried yet. and that's the other aspect of my site; that i'm HERE and anyone can contact me and chat any ol' time ;) but i mean that was why i started it, anyways... a diff perspective than most of the D/s sites, and it's real :)

JaneD: It's weird, just when I thought that this scene was something I thought I could relate to, something comes up that says, "Hell no!"....then tonite, you say something that connects me...strange.

tamara: well like i said... there's a million different aspects of it... i was VERY lucky because i met the Master before i was introduced to the scene... he planted the idea in my head and then i went off on my own researching like crazy... but the hard part once you figure out that you want to explore this is WHO with? i have the luck of the Irish i guess, to have found a wonderful new Master to serve! :)

JaneD: I can totally relate to that...I can't even trust people with my laundry, much less to put me through clover clamps ...::laughs::

tamara: LOL too true!

tamara: but honestly i feel like... this world would be one heck of a lot better if those involved in vanilla relationships understood more about *trust* and what it can mean and the responsibility it entails

JaneD: Amen.

tamara: :)

JaneD: ::laughs:: Do you ever get jealous when your Master is with another woman in front of you?

tamara: i have in the past sometimes, yes... but only when it was a SKINNY woman, 'cuz i was so heavy... and it was more me feeling bad about me, than feeling bad that he was using someone else... feeling bad that i was not attractive enough, y'know?

JaneD: Oh yeah, I know all about that...if it was some obese disgusting chick, we wouldn't feel threatened...but Barbie makes us want to binge and purge....::laughs:::

tamara: i was never very good at puking :0 i lost over 100 during the 2 and 1/2 years i served my first Master

JaneD: Wow....that's incredible...I wonder why?

tamara: i know exactly why... because i had focus and discipline that i don't have now... and finally during the past year because i was being weighed EVERY SINGLE DAY and was punished if i was one pound off what i should be

tamara: which is part of why i wound up leaving, ironically enough... losing weight is a good thing, but being scared out of your mind constantly is not... which is why i say... serving for me was SO GOOD in SO many ways. and is again, now. :)

JaneD: What a fucking jerk off...don't tell me where to find his ass.

tamara: LOL. part of it was my own fault... i lied so much and so often about my weight, that it got to a point where he no longer trusted me even remotely. so that much, i can only blame myself for. i became the little slut who cried wolf.

JaneD: Well, you lie when you are scared of telling the truth, which is his fault.

JaneD: If serving is all that mattered, your weight shouldn't have been an issue...and once you two were truly in a groove and you were confident, the weight most like would have come off...

tamara: no, it started further back than that... a lot of it did BECOME that, but i was one of those secret eaters... i lied about my weight and all related to it all my life

tamara: maybe... he was tired of waiting on my slow ass tho, and took control of it... he did give me plenty of opportunity to do it myself

tamara: anyways.... all i'm saying on this particular point is.. it ended up badly...but had i been more honest from the getgo, it might have been SO different. and so much of it was, even WITH the weightscariness, so good.

JaneD: Look, you only do what you *want* to do...if you wanted to be thin, you would have been when you wanted to be...I would like to be a size 10, but just not bad enough or I would be...and I'm glad you found something to carry with you from that relationship, but it burns my ass to hear about weight issues...I dare some guy to ask/make/demand I lose weight...I'll break his legs...::smile::

tamara: well, i wanted it... and i said *anything.* and of course i've ALWAYS wanted to lose weight, but have never been able to make myself stick with it. i refuse tho, to gain back all i lost, dammit i am taking the good stuff from this WITH me.

JaneD: ::claps:: Go girl.

tamara: :))))

JaneD: Well, you just send me all that horrible stuff you don't think you should eat and I'll take care of it...I'm here for ya, babe....::smile::

tamara: LOLLOL

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