Safety and BDSM

One of the big reasons i wanted to start this site to begin with, was to offer a different perspective from what you'll find on most of the other BDSM-oriented sites on the web. same old SSC tenets, same old newbie packs, dare i say ::yawn!::

one of the things i noticed... through my own experiences and searching... is that very few websites, when discussing the safety issues involved in BDSM, talk about emotional safety, what it means, what it involves, and the dangers that are inherent to entering into a relationship as a submissive, for a submissive. well i'm here, your handy dandy webslut, hard at work to help you out with that. :)

now of course y'all might think every damn thing i say here is nonsense, and hey that's your right. you are entitled. but what i've found is that... every BDSM site (damn near, ok?) online, talks exhaustively about physical safety measures. everything from safewords and safe calls to how to "evaluate" a prospective dominant or Master in terms of safety concerns prior to meeting them. that's all well and good... lots of it doesn't really work for me myself and i, but i don't think there's anything wrong with being as cautious as possible, and in fact think that the world would be a better place if those involved in 'nilla relationships were so careful! but really guys, lets face it... the odds of meeting a Jeffrey Dahmer are about 1 in 10 zillion. it CAN happen, it COULD happen, but it isn't likely. what's more likely by far, in my not-so-fucking-humble-opinion, is the odds of meeting half a million so called dominants who are scared to spank a slut, but not at all scared of emotionally destroying a slut.

i think there's a huge danger involved on the emotional level for a submissive entering a new relationship and trying to serve, that is often neglected when speaking of BDSM and safety. the position a submissive is in, in offering herself to a new Master, is one that is, to me, uniquely vulnerable. when you open yourself up to someone, praying, wishing and begging to be owned by that Man, you have dropped all pretense. there are no vanilla games here. you are saying, "i need you, i love you, i need to be at your feet, please allow me this!" you are opening up all your thoughts and feelings and handing this person your heart on a platter to do with as they will. give your heart in this way to the wrong person, and you are in for a WORLD of hurt, and believe me i know!

i wish i could now present a really handy dandy formula, like a list of typical physical safety precautions, that would make this easier... for myself and for other submissives as well! but i can't, because this issue is just not that simple... maybe that's why so few address it. all i can say for myself is that... i did give my heart to the wrong person, and was hurt in an extremely profound way when it was rejected. it's not like any other feeling in the world, to be sitting there going... "but i'll do ANYTHING for you! just TELL me!" and be told, "no thanks." oh god!!! it's awful!!!

the mistake that i made, and that i am sure many others make and have made as well, is that ... i fell in love with this person so fast. i rushed into things, and didn't think things thru, and when i began discussing serving with him... well, i just really did not discuss it anywhere NEAR enough. so now i will just say the only way to really prevent this from happening is to be 1000% sure!!!! 10000000% sure that this person wants you to serve them, wants you to succeed, and has the patience, energy, and persistance to teach you how to do so. even the best submissive can't serve if she isn't told what to do!

my advice??? talk, talk, talk, and then talk some more. WAIT... until you are positive. and then wait a little while longer. it's been my experience with each of the dominants i've experienced and many others whom i've talked to, that there is no rush...altho "time" does not make serving easier per se either, a slut has to be sure of what she wants and that she is "safe" in what she is doing in a way that is very real to her, BEFORE surrendering. because once you give your heart... it's really hard to have it tossed back to you.

i hope y'all get something good from this... i know that i am trying really hard to learn from my own mistakes, and if i can help one or two other submissives out there, well that makes me even happier!

hugs*
tamara

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