BDSM FAQ

everything in here is my opinion about d/s... and it's nothing like any other d/s site out there (at least that i've seen, and if you find one that resembles mine in philosophy, please let me know!).

you might find things in here totally offensive... then again, you might agree heartily and be everso grateful for a break from the online d/s *norm* of submissives who aren't doormats, and carry their gift of submission in a JC Penny bag with a big bow on top. also, don't expect this to be totally comprehensive... these are some common questions/controversies i see a lot, and wanted to address.

with that said, feel free to proceed...
just don't blame me if you get pissed off! :) (and PS... having written this faq way back in like 1998 or so, I decided to add some of my thoughts *today*, in 2005... so those additions are in pink!)

what is d/s?
d/s stands for dominance and submission. quite simply, the Dominant commands, and the submissive obeys. this is NOT complicated. not easy either, but definitely not complicated!

what is a Dominant? what is a submissive?
i think it's best to quote what websters has to say on these two words... (and yes, i cut out the parts of the definitions relative to genetic dominance!)

Dominant (noun) b: any of one or more kinds of organism (as a species) in an ecological community that exerts a controlling influence on the environment and thereby largely determines what other kinds of organisms are present
c: a Dominant individual in a social hierarchy

submissive (adjective): submitting to others. in d/s, a submissive is generally one who submits her will to the control of a Dominant.

what is a slave? what is a Master?
still quoting websters... (i love this definition!)

slave (noun) 1: a person held in servitude as the chattel of another 2: one that is completely subservient to a dominating influence 3: a device (as the printer of a computer) that is directly responsive to another 4: DRUDGE, TOILER

Master (noun) 1 a: inclined and usu. competent to play the master b: suggestive of a domineering nature 2: having or reflecting the power and skill of a master

for d/s purposes, a slave is one who has a need to submit her will totally to the control of another... a Master is one who enjoys having a slave to control.

ack! how can anyone allow themselves to be labeled chattel???
some people WANT to be chattel (like me!). i'm not quite sure why being *property* has such a negative connotation, especially in the supposed d/s world online, but it does. to me, being property.. chattel! is not a negative thing, it is a gift.

but how can anyone OWN another human being?
a human being can only be owned if he/she CHOOSES to be owned. that is the key in slavery... it is a conscious choice made to surrender all will, all choice, to another.

what is the difference between a slave and a submissive?
generally speaking, a submissive limits her submission, ie: has predetermined limits as to how she can be used. a slave has no limits.

I still agree with this, but by this definition I'd venture to say that there really ARE no slaves. Of course there are some "orders" that the Extreme Master's out there can never really test... they can say "My slave would kill someone for me," but the bottom line is that in this society there are penalties for that kind of crap.  I suppose I am a hypocrite in some ways as I definitely said this... altho I argued night and day over it with my FM, said I'd kill myself first to try and wrangle my way out of it, and finally just said what he wanted to hear. The real question is, why would anyone need to hear this????  What kind of person would WANT someone to do that or even to say that?

I'm really GLAD to say that at this point in my life I have NO NEED to try to submit to someone who has so little value for human life.  *sigh* At the time I felt like those people who told me they would NOT CHOOSE to serve someone who'd ask of them such a thing were taking the easier path. So not true. It's a lot easier to lie and not mean it!

everyone has their own definitions of what submissive/Dominant/ Master/slave is, no two will ever be exactly alike!
people define their own relationships, and SHOULD define their own relationships. however, WORDS do have meanings, and without having some common definitions to agree on, no one would ever understand what ANYone means. saying you are a submissive, does not MAKE you a submissive... just like saying you are a brain surgeon, does not make it so!

I still agree with this. In any community, apparently, there are people who want to argue over the definition of every damned word to the point that it eventually becomes impossible to communicate. For the sake of arguement, we'll work with the dictionary, okies? I believe everyone should live their own life, make their own choices, and not allow themselves to be boxed in by any term or category... but we do need to have common definitions for words to get anywhere. So I won't say that to me, the color red is purple, ok??? And if I *need* to be categorized, by these definitions I'm definitely a submissive... NOT a slave.

i'm a feminist... i could NEVER be a slave OR a submissive!
feminism is about choice... if you, as a feminist, are trying to LIMIT the choices that women are allowed to make... then you've become just another oppressor.

Of course not only do "feminists" want to limit the choices of women in BDSM, they also want to stretch that to include... stripping, whoring, swinging, porn, etc.  Anything THEY view as "demeaning" they demand that we ALL view that way... instead of revelling in the glory of feminine beauty, power, and sexuality. Hey, that's your choice... but not mine... and that's why I'm a feminist. ;)

Do you believe in having limits??
the limits question is a tricky one for me right now... i served for 2 and 1/2 years, and never voiced limits, did not want to have limits, and wanted and needed more than anything else in the world for my Master to use me in whatever ways pleased him.  at the same time, i knew it was pretty unlikely that certain things would please him... say for instance having me go out and kill the firstborn of every family in my neighborhood.  odds were pretty good, that would not have pleased him.  and he even said as much on many occassions.  i was taught tho, that if he should ask such a thing of me... i SHOULD do it.  but the fact is that if i had thought him the kind of person who would do such a thing.. i never would have submitted to him in the first place.  i never did find Charles Manson attractive.  

so insofar as limits go, now... i still believe that to have a huge list of limits would be to thwart myself... the whole idea of submitting for me is entrusting myself to someone with far better judgement of what i can do and what i should do, then i have.  but would i submit to Master, knowing that the next day he'd prolly have me go murder some pregnant woman, or kill babies because he believed they were mutants from outer space? or cut me off from my family and friends and the people that i care about?  nope.  so if that means i've got limits, then i've got 'em.  i've ALWAYS believed, and was taught!!! that the most important choice a submissive ever has to make, once she knows she is a submissive (or he, as the case may be!), is to WHOM they will submit.  and if the way that choice is made, implies limits... then so be it.  that's reality... and this is not a game.

what about safewords???
i've never had a safeword, or a desire to have a safeword. the idea here is that i am giving myself totally and completely to one whom i trust TOTALLY and completely. i think safewords tend to give people a false sense of security as well... like a magic charm of some kind. safewords will NOT protect you, if you don't use your best judgement in choosing who you allow to tie you up. once you're helpless, a lunatic is going to laugh in your face at a safeword.  

Besides which, I'm quite capable of communicating if I'm in trouble... at least, I have NEVER been in any situation (and oh, I've been in so many!) where I could not communicate in any way whatsoever. So a safeword is not necessary for me. But I don't see a gosh darned thing wrong with anyone using them, either.

ok, well fine... but i still want a monogomous Master.
monogomy is fine, if that is your choice, but again... it is a limiting thing. it can be very helpful for a Master to have MULTIPLE resources to draw on in a thousand different ways.  and for me, the interaction between me and other submissives while serving, has almost always been something i enjoyed, loved, craved.  :) 

Well, what can I say, I'm still a horny bisexual slut! I love having sex with lots of people, both male and female, and love to see Master enjoying himself with all the women he wants to have. Of course, I plan to be the one at home warming his bed every gosh darned night at the end of it all, if I can help it...  ;)

don't you get jealous?
not really... i love to see other sluts being used, and how they squeal, scream, roll around, go crazy when they cum. not only that, but i have learned SO much by watching other sluts. i could have learned these things in other ways as well, but not as quickly, and the lessons would not have been as clear.

ok, so how do i find a Master/Mistress/top/submissive/bottom?
this is one of my *pet peeve* questions... so please don't ever ask me!!! it's like asking, "how do i find a girlfriend/boyfriend?" it's an unanswerable question. i didn't have a *formula* for finding my Master, and in fact was not even looking... i just got VERY lucky. if you want to pursue a relationship tho, you can try D/S Kiosk's People Meeting People Section, or Scene USA for info about getting into the scene in your area.